dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
