is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
