Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
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