I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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