Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Who put my cat in the fridge?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
