i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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