I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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