Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
