A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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