my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
