Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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