tell your sister to shave her snatch
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
