i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
