and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
