So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
