i permit you to call me
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
false alarm, still single
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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