It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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