The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
