so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
