I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
