You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
