When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
and she was petting her beer can
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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