I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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