just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
