forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
