New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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