he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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