The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
