im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
and you fell through a lawn chair
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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