Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
