hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
