i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
