Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
