My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
