I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
They took my balls.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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