I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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