I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
