Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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