Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
