I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
