Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
