she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
