The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
