Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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