Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
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