i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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