Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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