my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
