Your face is a jimmy john
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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