I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
