Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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