I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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