I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
A+ Viking dick
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
