my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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