just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
