She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize