I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
