Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
