I'm laying in your front yard are you home
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Are we still banned from the library?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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